Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
