I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
