Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I want her autograph on my taint
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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