think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
