the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
