He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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