Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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