The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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