A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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