last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
