I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
