Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
