there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
