you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
