Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
