maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
