K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
