I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
