it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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