Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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