my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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