Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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