Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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