there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
