You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
