mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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