so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
