I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
