Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
