I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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