Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
