Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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