i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
