Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
