fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
