The maid of honor just puked.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
