her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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