New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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