life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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