yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
