Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
