Already got asked if we're dating
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
