wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
