chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
