how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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