Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
