I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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