Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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