but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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