it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
