Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
