If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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