I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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